Funny Jokes (Will be updated)

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I'll take charge."

"If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, it will be a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"Then you try again."

Teacher: What is ABCDE?
Boy: Dunno.

The boy asked his mother at home, who is busy trying to follow instructions from the cook book.
Boy: Mom, what is ABCDE?
Mother: **angry** Shut up or I'll stuff your mouth with curry chicken!
The boy remembered and asked his father who was busy singing a song
Boy: Dad, what is ABCDE?
Father: **busy singing** In the toilet, in the toilet!
He remembered and asked the karanguni man who collects newspapers
Boy: Karanguni, what is ABCDE?
Karanguni: I am George Washington. You are karanguni. Puput!
He remembered and asked the TV, who is advertising a restaurant.
Boy: TV, what is ABCDE?
TV: **advertising** 62-35-35-35
He remembered and asked his brother who was listening to his MP3 player.
Boy: Bro, what is ABCDE?
Brother: **singing along** Come on baby, one more time!

The next day, the teacher asked the boy again.
Teacher: What is ABCDE?
Boy: Shut up or I'll stuff your mouth with curry chicken!
Teacher: **gasp** Where are your manners?
Boy: In the toilet, in the toilet!

The boy was sent to the principal's office for a lecture.

Principal: What is your name?
Boy: I am George Washington. You are karanguni. Puput!
Principal: What is you father's handphone number?
Boy: 62-35-35-35

The principal was furious and got ready to cane the boy.
Principal: Any last words?
Boy: Come on baby, one more time

George W. Bush's Monday morning meeting with security adviser, Condoleeza Rice.

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary
General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!!!

Before Marriage - - -

Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of course! Over and over!

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get!

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top
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there was a kid who want to a vegetable stall and said.to the vendor

kid:do u have any eggplants?
vendor:no..
THE NEXT DAY.
kid:do u have any eggplants?
vendor:no!
THE NEXT DAY
kid:do u have any eggplants?
vendor: i said no!!!! and if u come again and said do u have any eggplants the i will staple your mouth!!!!
THE NEXT DAY
kid:do u have any stapler?
vendor:no...
kid:do u have any eggplants then?

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

In SAX we dnt kill Jews no no. We throw a penny between them and watch them fight to the death we do the same with chatholic preists exept we throw in a small boy. And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson